Nonjudging

Cookies, nonjudging and diversity.

I am going to use this piece to talk about three things of great importance to me: cookies, the attitude of nonjudging, and diversity. You’ll understand more about how cookies fit into the equation as you move through this post. I will say right now that in my opinion, cookies make the world a happy place. But that’s it, that statement is merely my opinion. I am not saying it is universal truth nor am I saying it is true for you or anyone else. It is just one of many personal opinions and beliefs that participate in my existence as a human being. I don’t feel the need to convince you of my opinion -- nor am I open to anyone trying to change my mind about cookies -- or make the whole world see cookies the way I do. Moving on…

The attitude of nonjudging is part of the definition of mindfulness: “the awareness that arises from paying attention, on purpose, moment by moment and nonjudgmentally.” Raise your hand if you find it challenging to move through life without judgements and opinions. I am raising mine.

The interesting thing is, that the more we pay attention, the more judgments and opinions we might find rolling around in our minds. This isn’t terrible nor does it oust us from meditation or participating with life itself. The contrary! In mindfulness we are shining a candle light awareness – gentle – on our experience and how we are relating to the moment. We notice where there is resistence and where there is ease. Where there is suffering and where there is peace. The more we notice, the clearer our inner world becomes and the more proactive – and less reactive – we can be.

As we notice judgments arising – about ourselves and others – we can notice how this makes us feel. How does your body feel when you are judging yourself or another person? One person said, “Tight, my body feels tight.” This is also known as contraction. How does your body feel when you are not judging yourself or another person? “Spacious.” That was one answer. Another is, Openness. Relaxed. Accepting.

In our mindfulness practice we are continually invited to notice when we feel tight or closed and when we feel open and spacious, when we feel connected as well as when we feel separate or isolated.

One of my favorites – a little humor and irony here – is when I find myself judging someone for judging. I am learning to bring more awareness, patience and curiosity to this one. I am not going to jump too quickly to compassion here because if I did, I would be gliding over the surface. Instead, I am open to understanding and through that experience, opening to compassion.

I remember years ago, a person in my life was being, what I call “pushy” and overstepping my personal boundaries with what I was hearing as judgments and opinions about how I should walk, talk, be, etc.. I stepped back from that relationship with this in depth clarity, That role was taken! I was still rather hard on myself and had many judgments about how I should be, in other words, different than how I was and move in the world. So, as a kindness to myself and to gain clarity, I stepped away from that relationship and over the years, I have learned to practice – these are also attitudinal foundations of mindfulness mentioned in previous posts this year – humor, curiosity, nonstriving, a beginner’s mind, patience (loads of patience! In fact that is my word for this year: Patience), kindness (forever learning to be more kind with myself), gratitude and generosity (generosity in giving myself space when I need it), acceptance and this week’s attitude nonjudging. Or better yet on the subject of nonjudging, I am learning to be kinder to the judge and generosity here comes in the form of space to breathe and let go of old ways of being that cause suffering. Little by little. Every attitude I practice with my own being and deepen is an attitude I can bring to my relationships with others. As I have learned to be less hard on myself, I also learn to be less hard on others. And vice versa. A circle of kindness and patience. A practice for life. 

A friend of mine used to say, “When you point one finger at another, look closely and you will see three fingers pointing back at you.” This isn’t to say that we should turn judgment of others around and continue judging ourselves. It is instead a gentle invitation to take the gaze off others and bring that candle light – gentle – awareness to our own being and notice what is happening in our own bodies, hearts and minds. As awareness expands, our actions can become less reactive and more proactive. This can also be a kind and firm reminder to, as another friend says, "Stay in our lane."

The Cookie Thief by Valerie Cox

"A woman was waiting at an airport one night, with several long hours before her flight. She hunted for a book in the airport shops, bought a bag of cookies and found a place to drop.

She was engrossed in her book but happened to see, that the man sitting beside her, as bold as could be. . .grabbed a cookie or two from the bag in between, which she tried to ignore to avoid a scene.

So she munched the cookies and watched the clock, as the gutsy cookie thief diminished her stock. She was getting more irritated as the minutes ticked by, thinking, “If I wasn’t so nice, I would blacken his eye.”

With each cookie she took, he took one too, when only one was left, she wondered what he would do. With a smile on his face, and a nervous laugh, he took the last cookie and broke it in half.

He offered her half, as he ate the other, she snatched it from him and thought… oooh, brother. This guy has some nerve and he’s also rude, why he didn’t even show any gratitude!

She had never known when she had been so galled, and sighed with relief when her flight was called. She gathered her belongings and headed to the gate, refusing to look back at the thieving ingrate.

She boarded the plane, and sank in her seat, then she sought her book, which was almost complete. As she reached in her baggage, she gasped with surprise, there was her bag of cookies, in front of her eyes.

If mine are here, she moaned in despair, the others were his, and he tried to share. Too late to apologize, she realized with grief, that she was the rude one, the ingrate, the thief."

Years ago, upon noticing the litter around town, I chose to propose to my partner and company that we begin Town Clean Up’s and remove the litter. We also formed a non-profit organization to raise Environmental Awareness. We worked with children in Elementary and Secondary Schools and today it is that non-profit organization that provides the wing for ongoing education through Yoga, Fitness, and Mindfulness. Ultimately -- in my opinion – in order to truly care about the Earth and take action for its wellbeing, we must see and feel the connection between our our bodies and the earth we live upon and deepen our own wellbeing. The earth is an extension of the body through which we sense the world we live in. Instead of spending my time judging, okay, after I spent some time judging and realizing it was of no benefit I chose to take action, raise awareness, make changes in my own life. This isn’t perfection nor a soap box. It was a moment of noticing I was looking out, at something I cared about, noticing I had an opinion and that I could do something, however small, but action was better than judging. I feel more spacious and less constricted. And there is still litter and so it goes. Life is messy. The problem isn’t solved, it hasn’t gone away, but there is more awareness and that is key. Noticing. Opening our eyes and hearts to what is here and doing what we can.

 

Back to Diversity which also encompasses Equity, Inclusivity and Accessibility.

 

I am part of a mixed race family and live in a diverse and dynamic community. I feel like a visitor – yes, even after three decades of living here – and a local at the same time. It is a rich existence and way of seeing the world. I am also part of online global meditation communities and I find this important to help me keep my eyes and heart open to a larger existence so I don’t get too narrow in my focus and see only this small and beautiful beach town.

 

Over the last three years I have done lots of reading and listening to learn about Transgender Identity. This first came up when I was asked what I thought about people who identify as non-binary. This took me a while to wrap my head around especially since I love words and I choose my words carefully and I really hope – as my intention is – to use words that are inclusive to all. The conversation evolved to transitioning, recognizing the possibility and reality of transitioning from identifying as female to male and vice versa, identifying as male to female. How does this sound in a full sentence? One way, to say this is, A person was assigned female at birth and now identifies and presents as male. Their preferred pronouns are he/him/ his. While awaiting the transition to happen on paper – changing a birth certificate – the person may present as the opposite gender and in doing do, transition socially. I have also learned – through online global communities and from research and reading – that when a person transitions, we do not ask, Did you get a sex change? That is basically like asking someone what is underneath their clothes and there is – even, perhaps especially in these times of “let’s put everything out there”, Privacy! And respect. We don’t have to know everything or even understand everything to show respect for the myriad ways of being in the world and including all humans equally around us.

 

I’ve invested a great deal of energy and practice in learning how to speak and write inclusively. In other words, you might notice – especially if you read my blogs pre-pandeimic – less use of pronouns. When I re-read blogs pre-pandemic, I used so many pronouns! He, she, them, and so on. A friend recently asked me, How do you change your language to be more inclusive?? How do you say something about someone and not specify pronoun (especially if you are unclear of the person's preference or if you are still wrapping your head around someone else's transition)? Especially in Spanish where everything is gendered?! Oh my brain. While I haven’t perfected this practice, I have found it interesting and challenging and here is an example: Someone asks, Where is Tehroma? Instead of answering, She is in her bedroom reading a book. Another answer could be, Tehroma is in the bedroom reading a book. One sentence uses two pronouns, we know Tehroma identifies as she/her. The second sentence gives us the same info and we let go of gender reference.

 

I’ve heard things like, Youth these days! All this gender transition, it’s a phase! Gender transitioning actually goes back in time. This isn’t new. If you are really interested, curious and seek to understand gender variance, transition, and reassignment. Here are a few resources I have found educational and inspiring: Transitions of the Heart by Rachel Pepper; Thriving Through Transition by Denise O’Doherty LPC, MIS, LMFT, RN; Found in Transition by Paria Hassouri, MD. If judgments arise, I challenge you to let  judgments and opinions rest for a bit and invite a little curiosity to learn something new. You might know someone somewhere who is going through this experience and your nonjudgmental attitude just might bring a little less suffering and more ease their experience and yours even if it feels a little uncomfortable at first.

 

As we move towards closing this piece, and building on last week’s meditation practice, and borrowed from one of my teachers, Jack Kornfield: “Acknowledge that all created things arise and pass away: joys, sorrows, pleasant and painful events, people, buildings, animals, nations even whole civilizations.

 

May I learn to see the arising and passing of all things with equanimity and balance.

May I be open and balanced and peaceful.

 

When you have established a sense of equanimity and peace, begin to picture, one at a time, your loved ones. Carefully recite these phrases:

 

May you learn to see the arising and passing of all things with equanimity and balance.

May you be open and balanced and peaceful.” 

May we be gentle with ourselves and others and when we do not understand, may we pause and notice what is happening within our own hearts, bodies and minds before we extend judgment on another or find ourselves casting our opinions on others of how we think they should be to make us feel more comfortable. Change is constant. Resolve to evolve. Gently. In the words of Khalil Gibran and this is part of a longer reading,

“Your children are not your children
They are the sons and daughters of life's longing for itself
They come through you but not from you
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you

You may give them your love but not your thoughts
For they have their own thoughts
You may house their bodies but not their souls
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow

Which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams
You may strive to be like them
But seek not to make them like you
For life goes not backward, nor tarries with yesterday”

  

The light in me honors and sees the light in you.

Thank you for reading and for being.

Namaste,
Tehroma

Self-Observation Without Judgement – Danna Faulds

“Release the harsh and pointed inner
voice. it’s just a throwback to the past,
and holds no truth about this moment.

Let go of self-judgment, the old,
learned ways of beating yourself up
for each imagined inadequacy.

Allow the dialogue within the mind
to grow friendlier, and quiet. Shift
out of inner criticism and life
suddenly looks very different.

i can say this only because I make
the choice a hundred times a day to release the voice that refuses to
acknowledge the real me.

What’s needed here isn’t more prodding toward perfection, but
intimacy – seeing clearly, and
embracing what I see.

Love, not judgment, sows the
seeds of tranquility and change.”